Things I have learned this week (part one of a kajillion)

04Nov10

I have figured out that I have to write as though I have an enthralled, on the edge-of-your-seat, very attentive audience of oh… MILLIONS! * dr evil laugh* Just kidding.  In my head, I have 10-50-100 (it varies, y’all) readers that are very interested in what I write and what I have to say.  In reality, on the other hand,  I’m pretty sure that at this point, I have an audience of, oh… me.  So hello all you people that only exist in my head!  How are you today?  Really?  Glad to hear it!  Oh that sweater is just lovely!  Is it new?  No, not you.  You.  No, behind you.  Yes, you!  Love the sweater!  Such a pretty color on you!

And my train of thought went… where now?

So I will continue to write to all the people that don’t really exist until hopefully there will be a few of you out there that do exist and maybe we can be friends!  And go shopping!  And have lunch.  At a fun place where we can sit outside when the weather is pretty and people-watch and talk about how god-awful that woman’s purse was CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! HAHAHA!!!  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Oh yes… “things that I have learned this week”…  Well, the first thing that I learned is that I am clearly a bit insane what with all the imaginary people in my head.  The second is that I really need some more real-life friends, I think!

There were more things and hopefully I will remember them before my TEENY TINY RIDICULOUSLY SMALL battery on my laptop forces me to just PUBLISH ALREADY BEFORE I DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!

That’s another thing.  I hate this computer.  HATE.  But until we can afford another one I shall before forced to typity type type away on this one until the keys all fall off one by one and even then I will probably just have to remember which key was the “U” key and… Well, you get it.  Computer.  Hate.  Moving on.

My fiance, Bill makes The Best Chicken Wings Ever (and yes, I have to type it that way… even when you say it, you have to say it a little bit louder than everything else and really emphasize the words) and ohhh they are delicious and I love them!  Preparing them, however, not so much.  Sometimes you can find the already cut up “wing portions” and “wing drumettes” in the packaged meat section of your grocery store and sometimes you can’t.  I’m not really sure why.  Do chicken wings have a season?  Like strawberries?  Is there something I don’t know about chicken wings?  Do they grow on a bush or vine somewhere until some really old farmer guy decides when they are at their peak ripeness and then all the farm hands have to rush around like crazy to harvest them before they’re past their prime?  No?  Only in my head.  Okay then.  Aaaanyway… sometimes we can only find them in a bag.  Not cut up.  And frozen.  These are a pain in my ass.  First they have to be thawed, which yeah… big pain.  You can either thaw them the day before in the fridge and wait a whooooole day before you can have the Wings of Deliciousness.  What?!  No way!  Or you can throw them on a sheet pan and into the oven with you stupid frozen chicken wings!  YOU WILL THAW NOW! I WIN!!  All fine and good and both ways are perfectly acceptable (to me).

SO!  Once they are all thawed, then you have to get to the nasty business of cutting them apart and to do that… well… there’s just no easy way to tell you this.  You have to actually touch the raw chicken. *shudder*  I know.  It’s terrible.  I have this… thing.  I cannot stand to touch raw chicken.  It makes me queasy.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to eat chicken!  Even love, sometimes!  But I prefer to use frozen chicken and after much (worth it) trial and error, I have figured out how to cook with it so that it does not come out any different than if you started with it raw.  But that’s neither here nor there.  We are here today, friends, to discuss the grossness of raw chicken.  I’m pretty sure that the slime is like the alien’s spit in Alien (which I just watched, so hmmm… wonder where that thought came from…) in which it will burn through METAL, not to mention human flesh and that it’s so slimy you can’t get it off so you’re pretty much just dead, or at the very least gonna lose that finger!

But once they’re cooked and slathered in that Hooter’s sauce, I swear they’re damn tasty!

So, next subject please.  I’m pretty tired of talking (writing?) about the slimy evil that is raw chicken.

How’s this?  I love to cook!  I really mean it.  I LOOOVE to cook! (more exclamation points will get my point across, right?) (!!!)  I’ve been having this urge, or more like a craving (like a pregnant woman craving!!  We’ll cover that later!) to bake!  All I want to do it BAKE!  Cupcakes mainly.  I’ve been reading lots of different recipes that I want to try, like NOW PLEASE!!! GO GET ME CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND BAKING POWDER OR SO HELP ME I WILL GO ALL CRAZY-PREGNANT-WOMAN ON YOUR ASS EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT PREGNANT!!! *knocking on wood while crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, etc* But all I got was… refrigerated, pre-made, already even in little clumps, cookie dough (which is delicious, btw… and almost gone… hee).  I have not actually baked anything.  I want to make my own batter and my own frosting and FONDANT!  YES!!!  *drool*  Sorry.  So from time to time you may get some “food posts” (COMPLETE WITH PICTURES THAT WILL EITHER MAKE YOU DROOL OR VOMIT! YAY!)  And possibly even recipes, if they’re good enough.  I’ve got a few of my own, so far, but I’m a bit nervous, terrified actually, of deviating from a recipe.  I am a good little recipe follower.  That way, if it turns out disgusting… Hey!  Not my fault!  I followed the recipe to the letter! Now if I make it up…. different story.  Then I’m all… Hey… uhh… sorry that dinner sucked, Babe.  Umm… no… those ingredients weren’t expensive at all *cough cough*. I’d rather just avoid that all together.   I did make a spaghetti sauce the other night that was spectacular, if I do say so myself!  I’d show you pictures of it, but we ate the rest for dinner tonight and it was even better this time around!  Luckily, I wrote down what all I put in it (which I never, ever do!) so that I can make it again!  Yay!

I just realized that this post is turning out to be quite the novel so I’ll cut it off here.  More to come.  Stay tuned, kids!

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